Child Care Style, Discipline and Limit Setting

Agreement on childcare methods and styles are a key component of a successful nanny and family relationship.

Parents want to be prepared to discuss this subject with prospective candidates and it can be helpful to provide a general idea of the family's philosophy up front in order to attract individuals whose philosophy matches the parents and discourage those individuals who would not be comfortable with the family's methods of child rearing. When deciding how to address this issue, consider what methods of discipline with which the family is comfortable. How do parents encourage desirable behavior or discourage undesirable behavior in their children?

When on a quest for qualified childcare, it is important to team up with a person who has parenting/childcare beliefs similar to yours. If a family believes that a baby should never be allowed to "cry it out," it is imperative that the nanny shares that view. Nutrition is another important issue. Parents may have chosen to feed their baby breast milk, for example, and the caregiver should respect that choice. Seeking a care-giver who is compatible in childcare/parenting styles is worth the extra effort and will ultimately benefit all parties, most particularly the children.

When considering childcare and parenting styles, the two most important elements are the parent's/caregiver's responsiveness and demandingness. Responsiveness is also referred to as warmth or supportiveness and includes the extent to which the parent/caregiver intentionally fosters individuality, self-regulation, and self-assertion in children by being attuned and supportive of the children’s special needs and demands. Demandingness (behavioral control) refers to the requirements parents/caregivers make on children to become integrated into the family whole, by their maturity demands, supervision, disciplinary efforts and willingness to confront the child who disobeys. All parents and caregivers exercise these two elements, but to varying degrees.

Safety, nutrition, developmental expectations (milestones), schedules (nap time, bedtime, meals, snacks), and the exposure to TV (both total time and programming) are the most common areas parents and caregivers with different 'styles' may clash. Again, the most satisfactory arrangements are when the family and caregiver beliefs are in substantial agreement on these types of issues. This brings home the importance of careful and structured interviewing to learn more about how the nanny or family sees these things.

Do not assume that everyone had the same upbringing you did and/or that everyone has the same child rearing style. Some families are permissive, some are authoritative, others may establish clear limits and expectations but allow children considerable self-determination within these boundaries. 'Attachment Parenting' is in vogue now, and a nanny candidate applying for a job with a family subscribing to this philosophy needs to understand it and be comfortable with implementing it in the parent's absence.

Nannies should think through how they are comfortable interacting with children. Oftentimes, the nanny's own upbringing will be her primary point of reference. Nannies should expect that parents will want to discuss this area in some depth in an interview.